my phone needs a breathalizer
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
Randomize
