Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
i will never coherently bang her
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
Randomize