he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
I had to cum in my sink.
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Randomize
