He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize
