you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
Randomize
