I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
Saw a Delta Zeta recruitment poster today. On it, somebody added, "All you need is your daddy's credit card and a lack of self-respect."
singing on the bus should be illegal
huh?
There's a group of like 8 white people in the back of the bus harmonizing to sugar we're going down
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
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