These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
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