i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
Fact: Godrick looks like David Archuleta
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
