Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches
Becky drew a cock on my face and is making me sit on the step.
what did you do that she drew a cock on your face and supplemental questions why did you let her?
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Randomize
