i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
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