im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
At least life still wants to fuck me.
Randomize