I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
Randomize
