So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
I need to sanitize my soul.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Randomize
