i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
