I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
the girl I was having sex with just mumbled victory for msu during sex. i love basketball season
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
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