My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
Randomize
