Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
Every time a guy reaches down to touch my vag, i feel really sorry for all the transgender girls who still have a penis there.
That's weird cause every time i feel a girls vag i feel way worse for all the guys who reached down there and got a penis.
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
I need to calm my uterus...
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
Randomize
