Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
Randomize