it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
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