I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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