You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
Randomize
