We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
