i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
at a bonfire and someone threw a plastic cup in the fire. everyone immediately stopped what they were doing to yell collectively at him about what he was doing to the environment, then went back to drinking
only in oregon
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Randomize
