but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
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