she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
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