It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
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