Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
