Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
