Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
So apparently I’m into choking now
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