new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
Randomize
