My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize
