Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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