I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
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