Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
This show inspires me to have sex in space
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
We were destined to go to rehab together
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
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