when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
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