I wish I could teleport
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
Randomize
