you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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