Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
You were trust falling into bushes
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
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