Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
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