I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Randomize
