It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
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