I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
just saw an old couple make out...not too sure how I feel about it. though I will admit at one point I was thinking "oh yeah! get that!"
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
I want a musical about memes.
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
Randomize
