he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
the room spins SO much faster in panama
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Randomize
