After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
Honestly, It follows the same rules as Cock Roulette.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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