When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
Randomize
