That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
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