he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
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