John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
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