...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
Randomize
