that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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