i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Randomize
