Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
He's currently rapping every word to 'more money more problems' at what could be a over 30s gay bar. I'm not sure yet. More info to come.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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