Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Randomize
