i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
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