saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Randomize
