yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
It was confusing and full of hummus
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
Randomize
