The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
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