I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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